Jmd bock auf ne Assassin Story?

[B4ckup]

Hi leute,
ich habe mich heute abend gefragt ob ihr nicht auch bock habt auf ne gute spannende story mit einer assassine als hauptfigur habt. Würde eure meinung gern hören, habe auch schon mal einen kleinen vorgeschmack entworfen. Meine story ist gamebased d.h. sie baut die handlung und story des spiels mit ein, erzählt diese jedoch genauer und persöhnlicher wodurch die spannung eigtl. gewährleistet sein soll Wenn ihr folgendes gut findet schreibe ich gerne weiter. Ich schreibe auf englisch, weil ich so einfach mehr spaß daran habe und so kann ich meine story auch auf englische diablo seiten stellen, sodass sich jeder daran erfreuen kann.
Hier kommen die Assasin Cronicles Part 1: Wish to revenge

Assassin Chronicles Part 1:Wish to revenge
I.Preamble
It was a hot summer down in Tristram. I was eleven years old and it was one of my last years at school. I wanted to become an guard like my father to protect my village everything what was ever close to my heart from the wild dangerous animals, outside of the entrance. It was a day like everyday. I stood up and packed my bags before going to school. It was then, when I suddenly heard the sound of slaughter. I went outside but I couldn't see the causes of the noise. I turned slowly around the corner then I saw my father and ten other guards fighting against strange figures. I went nearer and what I saw didn't suit me. The figures were no animals they were the birth of hell. During the two seconds I was watching two of the most talented guards fell to prey to the superiority of enemies. I was scared stiff and when the third guard was murdered I ran away to my room, took out my schoolbag and used the town portal the elder gave to me. I walked through the gate and appeared in the camp of huntresses. At the time I had appeared and the portal had closed behind me my mistake occured to me. I tried to get back, help my father and save my mum but it was impossible. I screamed out and buckled onto the floor, then Warriv asked me why I am screaming. I told him what had happened and that I need to get back fast. He thought Akara could open a new portal to Tristram so I went to her. She answered me that if she would open a new portal the daemons could come through it. She pointed out that this would be the doom of the whole camp so she couldn't risk it. I understood what she meant and I awakened to seeing my mum, my dad and my best friend, Fahrid never ever again. I got very angry and was clear that I couldn't live a normal life. I wanted to take revenge!
I have been remaining in the Camp for six years. During the time I learned how to fight, how to survive and how to cast magic. I made my living from different mission, like sometime I had to clean a whole cave to save the huntresses from the daemons. At the camp it was rumored that Diablo was back. Still I wasn't that good at fighting but I was able to do some effektive special skills. So I could kick my enemys to get them down or I could put someone away just with my mind. I was training grimly, since the wish of revenge has never left me alone. Finally I turned into an real assassin, a straight, unstoppable, unpitying killer. I felt I was ready to leave so I bought a katar and a buckler from Charsi and a scroll of town portal from akara and went out into the wilderness, straight towards the adventure.



ich bin offen für eure kritik. ich hoffe es gefällt euch!
MFG B4ckup

 

[HardcoreThrash]

"revenge" heißt das

Sonst ist mir jetzt nichts ins Auge gestochen^^
Gefällt mir, auch wenn der Satzbau teilweise etwas zu komplex ist, das verwurschtelt es doch ein bisschen, simplere Sätze sind für den Leser besser und klarer zu verstehen

Btw, sowas gehört doch ins FAS oder?

 

[B4ckup]

ok danke hab den rechtschreibfehler rauseditiert. der satzbau ja könnte schon leichter sein aber jeder hat eben seinen schreib style^^ ich versuchs so einfach wie möglich zu machen aber es soll ja auch nicht langweilig klingen.
ob das ins FAS gehört? sry bin neu was is das FAS?^^

 

[HardcoreThrash]

Joa, hält sich auch in Grenzen, ist so noch angenehm zu lesen (ich habs zumindest verstanden ), Hauptsache du übertreibst es net^^

FAS = FunArtStory Forum
Halt für solche Sachen gedacht glaube ich, hab aber auch noch nie da gepostet^^

 

[B4ckup]

ja man muss ja nit alle vokablen wissen und ned alle konstruktionen kennen ums zu verstehen ( im notfall http://www.leo.org).
also ich denke mal ins assassinen dojo passts doch auf jeden rein...
wenn nicht solls der mod wo anders hin schubsen, bitte.
ich könnte jeden abend ein kapitel schreiben hab echt schon gute ideen
MFG B4ckup

 

[timeleft]

Hi leute,
ich habe mich heute abend gefragt ob ihr nicht auch bock habt auf ne gute spannende story mit einer assassine als hauptfigur habt. Würde eure meinung gern hören, habe auch schon mal einen kleinen vorgeschmack entworfen. Meine story ist gamebased d.h. sie baut die handlung und story des spiels mit ein, erzählt diese jedoch genauer und persöhnlicher wodurch die spannung eigtl. gewährleistet sein soll Wenn ihr folgendes gut findet schreibe ich gerne weiter. Ich schreibe auf englisch, weil ich so einfach mehr spaß daran habe und so kann ich meine story auch auf englische diablo seiten stellen, sodass sich jeder daran erfreuen kann.
Hier kommen die Assasin Cronicles Part 1: Wish to revenge

Assassin Chronicles Part 1:Wish for revenge (vengeance / retribution)
I.Preamble
It was a hot summer down in Tristram. I was eleven years old and it was one of my last years at school. I wanted to become a guard like my father to protect my village (?)everything what was ever close to my heart from the wild dangerous animals, outside of the entrance. It was a day like everyday. I got up and packed my bags before going to school. It was then, when I suddenly heard the sound of slaughter. I went outside but I couldn't see the causes of the noise. I turned around the corner slowly. Then I saw my father and ten other guards fighting against strange figures (creatures?). I went nearer and what I saw didn't suit me. The figures (creatures) were no animals, they were the spawn of hell. During the two seconds I was watching two of the most talented guards fell to [prey to] the superiority of enemies. I was scared stiff and when (as) the third guard was murdered (slaughtered) I ran away to my room, took out my schoolbag and used the town portal [scroll / spell] the elder gave to me. I walked through the gate and appeared in the camp of huntresses (Rogue Encampment). At the time I had appeared and the portal had closed behind me my mistake occured to me. I tried to get back to help my father and save my mum (mother) but it was impossible. I screamed out and buckled onto the floor, then Warriv asked me why I am screaming. I told him what happened and that I need to get back fast. He thought (told me) Akara could open a new portal to Tristram so I went to her [to request this]. She answered to me that if she would open a new portal the daemons (demons?) could come through it (will use it to come here). She pointed out that this would be the doom of the whole camp so she couldn't risk it. I understood what she meant and I awakened to seeing my mum, my dad and my best friend, Fahrid never ever again. I got very angry and it was clear that I couldn't live a normal life. I wanted [to take] revenge!
I have been remaining in the Camp for six years. During the time I learned how to fight, how to survive and how to cast magic. (Six years later. I've been staying in the camp/Rogue Encampment and learned how to fight [with bow/swords/...], how to survive and how to use magic / cast spells) I made my living from different missions, like sometime (?) I had to cleanse a whole cave [of demons] to save the huntresses (rogues) from the daemons (demons?). At the camp it was rumored (At the camp a rumor had it) that Diablo was back. Still I wasn't that good at fighting but I was able to do some effective special skills. So I could kick my enemies to get them down (kick my enemies to ground) or I could put someone away (knock s.o. back) just with/using my mind. I was training grimly, since the wish of revenge (see above) has never left me [alone]. Finally I turned into a real assassin, a straight, unstoppable, unpitying (merciless) killer. I felt I was ready to leave so I bought a katar and a buckler from Charsi and a Scroll of Town Portal (and one scroll of ID )from Akara and went out into the wilderness, straight towards the(my) adventure.



ich bin offen für eure kritik. ich hoffe es gefällt euch!
MFG B4ckup

Schickes Intro, Höhle des Bösen wird aber erst nach Beginn des Abenteuers geleert

Hab dir mal ein paar Fehler angestrichen, wenn du die rausmachst, liest sich das viel besser
[...] = optional
(?) = liest sich komisch, Satz evtl überarbeiten
(...) = Vorschlag für andere Wörter

Keep up the good work

Achja, FAS wäre passender

 

[tictric]

Meckern ist immer einfacher, aber ok

von der Chronologik passt es leider nicht.
- Assassinen kommen eigentlich von woanders her; also geboren in Tristram wäre eventuell noch möglich; aber ausgebildet werden die eigentlich in ihrem eigenen Orden;
- Das Camp existiert auch keine 6 Jahre, sondern erst seit kurzem, weil die Jägerinnen von Andariel kurz nach den Ereignissen von D1 (D2 spielt ~2 Wochen nach D1 glaube ich) aus ihrem Kloster vertrieben wurden
- ein "schoolbag" hört sich ziemlich modern an für eine mittelalterliche Welt; aber kann man vllcht noch durchgehen lassen

 

[B4ckup]

hmm kann mir jmd mal das FAS verlinken? ^^
klar hab ich schon mal ein paar fehler drin, is nicht so leicht einen text selbst zu schreiben, allerdings ist der obige text bis auf einige fehler korrekt. ich hab vllt nicht immer die am schönsten klingensten wörter benutzt aber je länger ich schreibe desto besser werde ich
@ timeleft: ich werde mal den text noch ein bisschen überarbeiten aber viele von dir angestrichenen wörter sind korrekt klingen nur nicht so gut.
@ tinitus: mir ist klar, dass die höhle des bösen der erste abstecher von unserem abenteuer ist. Dass sich meine story ein bisschen mit der von D2 / D1 beißt ist klar und es wird schwer sie anzugleichen, deswegen bitte ich um verständnis.
/e: hmm mir sind ein paar wirklich peinliche fehler unterlaufen z.b. in der überschrift oO nja war schon 1 uhr ^^ ich glaub ich schreib besser um mittag

 

[B4ckup]

It was a hot summer down in Tristram. I was eleven years old and it was one of my last years at school. I wanted to become a guard like my father to protect my village, everything what was ever close to my heart from the wild dangerous animals, outside the entrance. It was a day like everyday. I got up and packed my bags before going to school. It was then, when I suddenly heard the sound of slaughter. I went outside but I couldn't see the causes of the noise. I turned around the corner slowly. Then I saw my father and ten other guards fighting against strange figures. I went nearer and what I saw didn't suit me. The figures were no animals, they were the spawn of hell. During the two seconds I was watching, two of the most talented guards fell to prey to the superiority of enemies. I was scared stiff and when the third guard was slaughtered I ran away to my room, took a scroll of town portal out of a secret room behind my wardrobe and used the spell, the elder gave to me. I walked through the gate and appeared in the Rogue Encampment. At the time I had appeared and the portal had closed behind me, my mistake occured to me. I tried to get back to help my father and save my mother but it was impossible. I screamed out and buckled onto the floor, then Warriv asked me why I am crying. I told him what happened and that I need to get back fast. He told me Akara could open a new portal to Tristram so I went to her to request this. She answered to me that if she would open a new portal the daemons could use it to get here. She pointed out that this would be the doom of the whole camp so she couldn't risk it. I understood what she meant and I awakened to seeing my mum, my dad and my best friend, Fahrid never ever again. I got very angry and it was clear that I couldn't live a normal life. I wanted to take revenge!

Six years later. I've been staying at the Rogue Encampment and learned among other things how to use bows, swords and my favourite weapon the talon. Akara tought me how to cast spells and Warriv told me how to survive in the wilderness, with just the things you can find. I made my living from working as Charsi's right hand. She was generous and nice so it was not the worst life. At the camp a rumor had it that Diablo was back. Still I wasn't that good at fighting but I was able to cast some effective special skills. So I was able to kick my enemys to the ground or knock the targets back just by using the strenght of my mind. I was training grimly, since the wish of vengeance never left me. Finally I turned into a real assassin, a straight, unstoppable, merciless killer. I felt I was ready to leave so I bought a katar and a buckler from Charsi and a Scroll of Town Portal and a scroll, including descriptions to most items, from Akara and went out into the wilderness, straight towards my adventure.

 

[B4ckup]

teil 2

Hier der teil 2:
II. Akaras request: Cave of Evils
As I entered the blood-bog it started to rain. I was going crouched and with my skin colour, dark like the one of the floor I thought they would never be able to see me come ( kommt euch das bekannt vor?^^). I couldn't see any enemies untill I reached the first rotten trees. A group of fallen Ones attacked me. They had no chance. I killed the first one with a batch straight into his darkened heart. Then the other two chicken ran away. I went further into the outback, I had no problems with the enemies I killed undeads with three hits into the back and sting-rats with one beat on the head. When I was already going for hours I suddenly heard many foot steps behind me. I turned around and recognized the two fallen Ones, I put to flight before. They had called reinforcement so there were eight fallen Ones running towards me. I dodged the first stroke and buried my katar into the body, warded the next hit off and kicked the enemy to the ground. Exactly in this moment the experience gave me an idea. If I hit my target three times to get him into defense and then make a concentrated hit straight onto his head it might make the duble damage. Armed with this skill I killed even the undeads, having arrived in the battlefield later, with one hit. I decided to call this war technology the Tiger Strike.
It was already night and I was afraid of beeing killed while sleeping in the wilderness so I casted my town portal and went to Charsi, where I fell asleep. Next morning I went to Akara to buy a new scroll of town portal. When I asked her for my request she told me that in the blood-bog there is a hole called Cave of the Evils and if I clean this cave from the monsters living there she would reward me. So I went out again to look for the secret cave. After searching for a while I found the entrance, lit up by two torches, one left one right. When I acceded the cave fearlessly, I saw that it was dark and I could hide easily. It was perfect (hmm das kenn ich irgendwo her^^). I sneaked down into the small, narrow tunnels. There were some new creatures, like the fallen Shaman, who is able to revive the fallen Ones and throws a fireballs at you. There was also the Garangantua, which can be compared to a brown yeti but anyway after at most three beats they died like any other daemon. I murdered my way through the crowd of monsters. When I was in the cave for at least two hours I saw something new. There was a group of Undeads and in the middle there was a special creature. It was an undead but it had a blue rotten skin and it was shining. I hid behind the corner and thought about a tactic I can use to kill them. No idea occured to me so I just went out and used the only advantage I had : my speed. The undeads are slow creatures so I hit and ran, hit and ran untill there was only the special undead left. I tried to tank him, that means I just hit him until he falls down to the ground. I soon recognized that this didn't take any effect. What I did then was instinctively, I didn't have control over it. I conzentrated on my hits and I was getting faster and faster. I combined this with the Tiger-Strike and I finally the undead fell to the ground, right in front of my feet, the place where he belongs to.
Straight at this moment the cave turned from a dark, clammy place to a lightened one. I knew I did it, the cave was cleared. I looked between the corpses for some usefull stuff and yes, I had found an airy leather armor, leather gloves and even a katar with two strange sockets. After looking a last time around I noticed a sparkle on the ground. The cause of the sparkle were two damaged topazes. I looked them up in my scroll of Identify and explored that I can put those in the sockets of my katar to get extra light dmg. So I took my katar in the left and the topazes in the right and put them together. A yellow light glared me, then I saw that my katar was yellow and that there where lightnings around it. I knew that this claw is way better than my old one. Using the town portal I got back to the Rogue Encampment, I went straight to Akara, told her about my victory and as prize she told me how to improve my claw fighting skills. The technology, I was tought was completely different from everything I ever was tought. I had to throw my shield away and put one katar one the left and one on the right. Now I was able to fight with two claws at the same time.

 

[Nai]

ich schieb den thread mal ins fas

/edit:
grad gesehen daß der thread dort ebenfalls erstellt wurde - also close.
http://planetdiablo.eu/forum/showthread.php?t=1503583